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February 24, 2005
Lamenting me
So, yesterday as I was bitching/whining/moaning/complaining about how stupid/incompetent/fraud-like I was, Scott made a comment to me that made me quite unhappy (I don't take criticism very well). He said, "You are the one person I have met that spends SO much time coming up with reasons of how you are incompetent/retarded/etc you are. Why do you waste your time on this?" Of course, I replied, quite defensively, that I had nothing else better to do (don't tell my advisors that). I would say that it's only b/c I am having minor freakouts about certain non-existent opportunities, but yeah, it's circumstanial.
Now this would be good and all, except last night, before I went to bed, I started thinking of why I would be a terrible MOTHER. Of all things to start worrying about, I started worrying about how I was going to rear children that would be mentally unstable. You see, I've been recently reading books on the poor and cancer victims. In both cases, the parenting styles made a huge difference in the lives of the subjects in the books. In most cases, it came right down to, "My mom was like this and that is why I felt like this" or something like that. And in every one of those instances, I could see myself doing whatever horrendous thing that made the kid emotionally unhinged. So, as I went to bed (and when I woke up this morning), all I could think about was how incompetent of a mother I was going to be. And am still thinking about it (obviously) as I write this.
Maybe Scott was right.
Heh.
Posted by szujin at February 24, 2005 09:29 AM