Bits and Pieces: Thoughts for the moment

June 15, 2005

Thoughts for the moment

For some reason, after I got back from Barcelona, I have done a lot of random and stupid thinking. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but I thought I would ramble on for a bit about it.

So, a situation came up such that has caused me a lot of "grief." And by grief, I mean countless minutes (or hours, guess it depends on who you ask) of asking my girlfriends, "what does it mean?" At first, my conclusion was that it was the particulars of the situation. However, I have come to realize that it's really not about the situation itself at all (at least, this is what I am trying to convince myself). I think it all basically boils down to, "I *really* (ie, super duper/totally/retardedly) care about what other people think about me." I think I crave outside confirmation that I am not a retard/moron/ditz (although, I think my PA would disagree with the last one). So as always, in this situation, I did stupid stuff (seems like a reoccuring theme for me. haha). Not particularly surprising considering the circumstances, I suppose. But, basically, I left the entire situation thinking, "omg, what do people think of me?" I sat and dwelled and obsessed at the implications of it all. But when it comes right down to it, why does it *really* matter? So maybe I'm not special, or I'm not smart, or I'm not . Or maybe I *am* stupid, or I *am* a retard, or whatever. The point is is that if I didn't care about others' opinions so much, then this whole thing wouldn't be weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. If I *knew* that it was all good or that it was whatever, then I guess in the end, I wouldn't care either. And it's kind of sad, b/c that really does basically mean that I base the appropriateness of my actions on what others think. and if you think about it, it's really kind of sad. So I think what I really need to do is to gain some self confidence. Or gain some self respect, or *something*. Tell myself I shouldn't be swayed so much by the existence or non-existence of what other people think. And if I can do that, then I'm golden.

Like my lengthy and boring entry? I'll probably delete sometime soon.

Posted by szujin at June 15, 2005 01:18 AM

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