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December 15, 2005
Huh
Recently, I feel like I have been disappointing people left and right. For the people I respect the most, hearing that they are disappointed leaves me feeling absolutely wretched. I dunno how to explain it, but it almost feels like I am breaking up with them. Maybe, as some people say, they don't take it that personally, but to me...I just feel like "it's the end." Did I kill my opportunities? Am I going to regret? Things seem so much worse when you know someone personally.
I feel like I have been so blessed with people who really are there to look out for me. The people who take those extra steps to try to keep me in the PhD program. If I could only make them all happy. But I know I can't. And now, I've just thrown all of their goodwill right back in their faces. Am I a bad person? How ungrateful am I?
I'm so sad it's incredible. I made the decision. I told the last pending offer (albeit the one I am going to accept of course) "No." I feel like I should be excited, but all I feel is sadness. Not sadness that I am leaving. More sadness that I've just...disappointed all these people that I truly respect.
I feel like such an ungrateful piece of crap. *sigh*
On a side note: I typed in "machine learning site:cmu.edu" (to look for a particular class) and the first sponsored link was from Google, with "Want to work at Google?" I find that relatively humorous.
Posted by szujin at December 15, 2005 09:08 PM