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December 20, 2005
Driving on home
My first drive all the way to Atlanta by myself. Woohoo. My longest trip ever. Before that, my longest was to Athens, GA (< 1 hr). Just me and my cats cruising to "Angels and Demons" (book on cd), which is freakishly long. I made the 10 hr drive and I am only half way through the book. Now I am torn if I should bring the cds in to listen at home (lame) or wait until I drive back up (that's a long wait!) But as of right now, I'm home, and that's all that matters. I'm totally exhausted. Not from the drive really (although I got super antsy near the last two hours (thank you Medlock Bridge and 45 minutes for 6 miles...), but more lack of sleep. Sometimes I wonder how I am not dead yet as I stupidly decide that I only need four hours of sleep. But...whatever.
Happy to be home. Need to figure out everything else. But hell...I could just sit on my ass and do nothing for the next two weeks and that would be OK with me. :)
Posted by szujin at 10:14 PM | Comments (3)
December 15, 2005
Huh
Recently, I feel like I have been disappointing people left and right. For the people I respect the most, hearing that they are disappointed leaves me feeling absolutely wretched. I dunno how to explain it, but it almost feels like I am breaking up with them. Maybe, as some people say, they don't take it that personally, but to me...I just feel like "it's the end." Did I kill my opportunities? Am I going to regret? Things seem so much worse when you know someone personally.
I feel like I have been so blessed with people who really are there to look out for me. The people who take those extra steps to try to keep me in the PhD program. If I could only make them all happy. But I know I can't. And now, I've just thrown all of their goodwill right back in their faces. Am I a bad person? How ungrateful am I?
I'm so sad it's incredible. I made the decision. I told the last pending offer (albeit the one I am going to accept of course) "No." I feel like I should be excited, but all I feel is sadness. Not sadness that I am leaving. More sadness that I've just...disappointed all these people that I truly respect.
I feel like such an ungrateful piece of crap. *sigh*
On a side note: I typed in "machine learning site:cmu.edu" (to look for a particular class) and the first sponsored link was from Google, with "Want to work at Google?" I find that relatively humorous.
Posted by szujin at 09:08 PM | Comments (0)
December 13, 2005
Empty blog space is depressing.
So...HI!
PS. I can finally rent a car w/o being bitch slapped with the under-25 fee! Go me!
Posted by szujin at 11:43 AM | Comments (2)
December 01, 2005
I turned down my first full-time offer (in a while). I feel so sad. Is that weird? Like, I feel *guilty* for saying no, like I disappointed the recruiter or something. There went my opportunity to go to NYC. S'ok though...I didn't want to be cold anyway. And I did *not* want to be "changing formulas in an Excel spreadsheet" *shrudder*.
So...now. More decisions. Gosh...sometimes I am such a money whore. Shouldn't I be better than that by now? But I dunno, 20k difference is hard to justify no matter how I look at it. I *AM* a money whore.
Sometimes I think I idealize things that I do not have. I find myself in a state I know that I shouldn't be in, but I can't help it. For example, this consulting gig. This is what I wanted. I *wanted* it. I like SUPER DUPER, "omg, please please please" wanted to have it. Well...I got it. But the pay is *so* low (and they don't move) that I just can't...justify it..... PLUS. When I did my consulting gig from my internship way back then it wasn't all that it cracked out to be (that was also a "please please please" scenario that I jumped on the boat right away when offered). So...WHY I am so like, "want want want" when in actuality, the past experience I had wasn't spectacular? Is it because it is totally different than what I do now? Or that in my brain the idealized version of consulting has just warped my views. Maybe it's the required business casual dress everyday. ARGH.
Ok. HAVE TO DECIDE.
Posted by szujin at 03:45 PM | Comments (1)